“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”
One of my biggest reasons for this blog is to speak my truth. I know that “real” bloggers have “rules” and “guidelines” (i.e. never talk politics or bring up negative emotions), but I don’t feel that those rules serve anyone. Life is raw emotion and truth. So let’s be honest.
I’m drowning here. Life feels way too busy and overwhelming right now. I feel like everything is just a big blur right now. I have no time to do the things I’m passionate about – like writing, cooking, creating, exercising, adventuring – because all my time is spent in a space that makes me increasingly more miserable:
a dark cave an office.
Behind a desk. For at least 8 hours a day. And then again for at least three hours a day, three nights a week, for class. It’s draining. And as much as I loved having Brendan here last week, in the midst of his company, being sick and having to take over for my boss for a couple of weeks, I completely spaced on a couple of assignments. Which means I’m much more behind in grad school than anyone should be. To top it off, I spent an amazing three-day weekend on `O`ahu with my cousins–which totally took my mind off of stress and deadlines but also set me even further behind and made me even more sleep deprived. :/
Needless to say, life doesn’t feel so great right now. Of course, there are always so many things to be grateful for, but I really wish I could create more balance. At the moment I have zero time for Ben [or myself!], I’m constantly tired, falling behind on everything, and I’m becoming a grouch-ball desk-job worker.
I just keep wondering how the heck I got here.
Life supports me fully and I trust that my path is perfectly placed.
I think my biggest lesson right now is trust. I have no problem with risk - I’ve been leaping into unknown territory and taking risks my whole life. When things feel uncomfortable I’m used to listening to my intuition and jumping ship before things become ugly [I have an intense fear of becoming stagnant]. Waiting things out is uncomfortable for me. And right now I have no choice but to be patient until Ben’s job comes through and my next stepping stone is aligned. It’s uncomfortable, but I have faith that things are aligning themselves at this very instant.
So, that is where I’m at. I’ve been having a hard time holding my head up lately, but lucky for me, I’ve got a great ‘ohana to keep me smiling through it all . This past weekend on `O`ahu–while it may have set me back quite a bit–made my soul smile again.
“We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break.”
~Marquise de Sévigné
My dad was one of nine children, so our family is huge. With so many cousins (there are about 30 of us), there was a group of us growing up within the same age bracket that were inseparable. I can’t remember not having my cousins around me growing up. We were always together – we spent entire summers together, camping and fishing and dirtbike riding.
[Camping trip circa 1994]
We shared living room floors and sleeping bags. We had fist fights and battled and we chose sides, then we made up. We got in trouble. And then did whatever we needed to do to get each other out of trouble. We attempted to harmonize Boyz 2 Men songs in the living room [with choreographed moves]. We snuck over the neighbor’s chicken coops to steal lilikoi and shot BB guns off the balcony.
We also stood up for each other, consoled each other when our parents were being mean [or downright violent], and refused to leave each others’ sides when we knew there were going to be horrible consequences. My cousins served as my stability. They were always my roots – loving me for exactly who I was, no matter what. We formed an unbreakable bond that means the world to me.
[Training with the cousins at Pa`ia Gym - 2001?]
But of course, life gets busy. People went off to college, or got married, or had children. We rarely see each other nowadays. The latest in cousin news is that two of my cousins – Leslie and Lance – are heading off to the military soon.
That’s why, when my cousin Cory called to tell me that Lance was gonna hang on `O`ahu for a week–and that Leslie, my brother Darren, and our family friend Darryl were going to meet there–I jumped on the opportunity! Our only real plans were (1) to spend time together and (2) to have an early celebration for Cory’s daughter Jaylen’s third birthday.
Most of us (all but Ben) got to `O`ahu on Friday night–my brother Darren flew in from Hawai`i island while the rest of us flew in from Maui. We had way too much fun being together again .
A Few Highlights:
My cousin Leslie has the best taste for sweets and suggested that we check out Bubbies! I had no idea Bubbies – the original mochi ice cream makers – was on `O`ahu!
The Ice Cream and Desserts shop is located on University street in Manoa near the University of Hawai`i campus. It’s a pretty unassuming spot, if you ask me, for such incredible treats! We went in on a hot Saturday afternoon and there were only about fifteen other people in the shop. The wall was filled with delectable options ranging from mochi ice cream to frozen cakes, ice cream and floats.
I literally didn’t have enough time to figure out what I wanted before the guy behind the counter asked me what I’d like to order.
I wanted everything but settled on chocolate peanut butter mochi ice cream [to which the guy behind the counter said, "just one?"]. My cousin Cory got one of their ice cream cake concoctions called a “Multiple Orgasm” [mocha+two types of chocolate ice cream, oreo cookie crust, and fudge with sprinkles] that we shared. It was divine – and so huge that we couldn’t finish it [gasp!].
I also went back for an Azuki bean mochi ice cream [to which the guy again asked, "just one?"] – which I actually liked better than the peanut butter!
All in all, I definitely recommend checking this place out if you’re an ice cream fan and ever on `O`ahu.
My other great highlight is something I know you’re going to be confused about. We went ice skating!
I know - brown people on a slab of ice?!
`O`ahu is the only island with an ice-skating rink, which explains why I’ve only gone once [on an inter-island field trip in middle school]. It scared the bejeezus out of me, but after a while I got the hang of it and we all had a blast [even my brother, who now has bruises all over his bottom]! I didn’t fall at all – although I had a few scares when I first went out with my niece.
It was Jaylen’s second trip to Ice Palace, and she is picking it up quickly!
the rest of the crew did alright. Darryl surprised us with his ice-skating skills (he even pulled a few 360s!) and Leslie was graceful from the moment she stepped onto the ice. Lance and Darren aren’t meant for ice-skating so much, but that didn’t stop them from trying!
Of course, we celebrated my favorite little girl in the whole wide world, Jaylen [it is so amazing to be an Auntie!] !
[She loves makeup]
But mostly, we all just had fun hanging out with each other and reconnecting.
Ahh, now that’s what life is all about! :)
How do you handle pivotal life-changes? Who do you turn to for support?
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