Mana: Supernatural or divine power; miraculous power.

I did a lot of work on myself during my pregnancy in hopes of preparing myself for the huge transition I knew motherhood would be.  I was fortunate to be able to spend a great deal of time in reflection, healing, and learning to trust the universe.  I tried my best to be completely authentic and speak my truth, no matter what.  I spent hours writing in my journal and on the blog, practicing yoga, and simply staying present – adoring the space I was in. 

I recently re-read Isaac’s birth story and was amazed by how deeply connected with my intuition and Source I was both in that moment and throughout my entire pregnancy.   As I recounted the events, I could viscerally feel the same sense of empowerment I felt in those moments following my birthing process. 

I yearn to once again truly trust not only my intuition, but the process of life as it unfolds.

The raw truth is that a lot has transpired since Isaac’s birth that led me to feel jaded, unsupported and frankly let down – and pissed off! – by the Universe.   

A few of my greatest fears came true.  I wasn’t able to successfully breastfeed.  I realized that ‘motherly intuition’ sometimes escapes you (especially when sleep deprivation, wacked-out hormones and adjustment periods are involved).  Anxiety hit like I never could have imagined, and post-partum depression immobilized me in more ways than one.  Being a mom didn’t turn out to be the fairytale I always imagined it would be.

For that, I think a mourning needed to take place.  To say goodbye to impossible ideals, to the highest of expectations, and to the old me.  I needed to let go of my old self and truly embrace motherhood, and I suppose that’s harder for some people than it is for others.  And you know what? That’s okay. Perhaps even normal.

I feel older having endured what I did in these past months.  Maybe that was what the Universe was gifting me – and my son – through it all.  I now recognize that the experience wasn’t the universe punishing me (as I truly believed at the time), it was simply an opportunity to learn and truly feel in the deepest, most intense manner possible.  To gain perspective and empathy. 

I am deeply grateful for these lessons. But now I am ready for the mourning period to come to an end. I am ready to trust in myself, in my son, and in our deeply rooted connection once more without fear.  I’m ready to feel empowered rather than broken; connected rather than lost.  And while I know that it will always be a process –something I need to work on – I also know that I am the only one who has control over those feelings.

So starting today, I vow to honor myself once more.  To remember that I am still the same woman who nurtured the brightest of lights within her womb, sorted through all her own fears, and then dug deeper than she believed possible to birth that light into this world.  I vow to focus on and embrace all the positive and beautiful aspects of the profoundly life-changing experience of motherhood rather than on my insecurities and self-doubts.

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I may never be the same woman I was during my pregnancy or right after my birth, but I will aim for the greatest good, and perhaps someday I’ll even surpass her. 

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